Hi my loves, did you miss me?! I’ve taken a long break this summer to get my career situated (and started for that matter) and I have to say I have never felt more changed and evolved in my entire life. As a teacher, September is kind of like my “new year.” A time to reflect, create goals and really learn about myself and where you see yourself. Thinking back on last September it’s incredible to really think about where I was in all different aspects of my life. I was in my final semester of graduate school so I was stressed beyond belief with the small twinge of senioritis poking in right around finals. I was not in the best mental state if I’m being honest, and that was a whole other feat to overcome. I remember laying in bed after I graduated in December, knowing full well that I needed to get out of bed and go to different school departments to hand in my information but I simply couldn’t. All I wanted to do was sleep and the act of leaving my bedroom and putting on real clothes was the biggest struggle. This feeling was from a culmination of different factors in my life that at the moment seemed like the biggest obstacles. What I’d like to speak about today is one of those obstacles that I eventually did overcome. I’m still learning and trying to understand what I’ve worked through and gotten around but looking at where I am now it’s fun to see how much has changed.
I got the inspiration from this article from a picture I found on the internet of an excerpt from a book called Salt by Nayyirah Waheed. It reminded me of a book I had read called Milk and Honey. In that book the author, Rupi Kaur, splits her emotional journey of love into 4 different parts. These parts are titled The Loving, The Hurting, The Breaking, and The Healing. When I first bought this book I got to The Breaking and had to put the book away. I couldn’t read her poetic descriptions of what she as a woman felt when a man broke her heart. Although I did not go through a physically abusive relationship as Rupi Kaur did in the book, I could relate to her feelings of hurt, and could understand what she had meant when she said she was broken down. I hadn’t taken this book out since I put it down in January until I saw a picture of a page in a similar collection of poetry.
not wanting me.
the beginning of me
– the hurt ]
This really had me thinking. As of right now, I can proudly say that I have found someone who makes me very happy. He shows me off, makes me laugh constantly, treats me with respect and always takes the time to show me how much he cares about me. However, this article is not about him. As happy as he makes me and as thankful as I am to have him in my life, he did not save me from myself.
The word that I would describe our relationship would be serendipity. The way we met is a story for another article (Valentine’s Day is 4 months away guys) but it was very much out of pure chance and timing as you know can either make you or break you. Had I met him 2 months before I’m not sure things would have worked out.
What really happened to me was what this poem exactly states. The person that hurt me at first made me hate myself. I couldn’t wrap my head around the situation. He had me on “the hook” for a year and I couldn’t understand why after all that time he still did not want me. I only started to want myself when I really started to understand what I had been through. The relationship itself was incredibly emotional, unhealthy and I honestly would be glad if I never thought about it again. But I do think about it. Now I see it as a challenge, a learning experience, and a breakthrough. I am a completely different person, my mind is different, my aspirations are different and the way I perceive myself is different. I see myself as someone who is strong, independent, emotional, caring, and better. I did not need another man to show me this. Trust me, I tried that. It only brought me down even more. As soon as I realized how negative it was to gain validation from men who did not appreciate the important parts of me I was able to start validating myself. I saved myself. It wasn’t an overnight realization or a light bulb moment it took time, energy, and reflection on myself and my actions.
So even though I am very happy with who I’m with right now I’m even more happy with who I am right now. Love is great and heartbreak is helpful but it’s so important to dig into your sense of self and really find out what you need. I don’t think I needed to be broken down to the point that I was driven to but if it meant that I would be where I am today, I would gladly go through it again.
I’m sorry if this is a typical love yourself post – I tried making it as personal as I could without giving you every detail of my life but I encourage all of you to look at yourself and really look. Are you happy with who you’re with? If not, is it because of how you see yourself? How they make you see yourself? Relationships are an added bonus in life. Someone who loves you is like a freebie. You can love yourself and you should. It what makes all the other parts of life so sweet. Be yourself, be strong, and always have faith that your story is not over. The end of one event could lead to the start of something really great.
Thanks for reading, I hope you guys missed my emotional rants because I missed writing them! Please reach out if you’d like to speak more about this. My heart and ears are always on to listen!
xoxo – TwentyClueless