Work in Progress

Recently a friend of mine mentioned that the issue I need to work on in life will be a “work in progress”. This means my behavior is not something that I can just stop doing. My personal journey in life has been a series of struggles that all have one piece in common. I think everyone has that one issue that continues to happen to them or they do to themselves that they alone need to work on in order to correct it or make it so that it starts to benefit them rather than hurt them. One specific issue that you need to really look at and it makes you wonder why it keeps happening. Once you realize what this issue is, it doesn’t just go away. You can’t correct it over night. Personally, I’m not sure I want my personal issue to correct itself over night. It’s a part of me that I sometimes like. However, it’s also a part of me that causes anxiety and fear and nobody likes to live with those demons.

I hold on to things. People. Memories, experiences, anything really that means anything to me. For me, I’ve always found it very difficult to let things go. Not in a holding a grudge kind of way but in a ‘no I will probably not delete your Facebook friendship after you hurt me’ type of way. I’m aware that this is a little self destructive. I also know that I’ve improved this behavior drastically over the last year. I’m starting to see the benefit of completely ridding yourself of negative energy no matter what kind of a pull that person or thing had on you originally. However, I’m still working on this. I’m a work in progress when it comes to this. Every time something happens to me that I get upset about my friends will tell me, just delete him, it, forget it.

I can’t forget things sometimes. They keep me up at night and poke at my insecurities when I’m least expecting them to. It continues to happen until I physically can’t take it and am forced to delete or forget whatever it is that causes my insides to churn. People wonder out loud, why would you want to put yourself through that? I don’t want to go through that. I think I’ve always just thought maybe things will be different, there’s always a chance that they’ll change. This is the part that I like about myself – until I don’t like myself for it. I’ve always wanted to believe that people have good intentions and what they say and do may not necessarily be how they really feel. This is my journey in life that I need to work on. I want to cut off the process of being hurt by people who don’t deserve my energy and affection. It’s not as easy as it seems but with each experience comes a stab of a lesson that I am sometimes painfully learning. This is my journey, what’s yours?

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